One of the finest things we can do for each other is to listen. One of my professors called it “paying exquisite close attention”.  Most of us would say that we’re pretty good listeners – and that our friends are generally good listeners. They will stay quiet and be objective. Yet, sometimes – when we ONLY want them to listen, they will jump in to save us from distress, solve our problem, help us deal with strong emotions, or tell us about their own similar situation.

Listening is crucial to intimacy and safety and it is more than simply hearing what the other person is saying. Listening is an ACTION that has two components.

One is attention or awareness. It is listening with feeling and intuition. We listen for the words, the tone, the pace, the energy level – all the information that is being sent.  Author and psychologist Larry Crabb refers to this as listening beneath. We listen for what is NOT being said in words, but is communicated through body language, emotion, and the meaning the person is attaching and the values and concerns being expressed.

The second aspect is what we DO with our listening – the impact we have when we ACT on our listening.  Let’s take a look at that by examining two levels of listening.

LEVEL I:
Level I is self-focused. We listen to the words of the other person but the focus is on what it all means to us. It’s all about ME – my thoughts, my feelings, my opinion, how this has any relevance to me. It is not very reciprocal and tends to be one-sided.
There are times this is appropriate and useful.  If you are having your car repaired you want facts, details, prices, and a time frame. Level I listening is not conducive to deep connection or understanding one another.

LEVEL II:
A Level II you are intently focused on the other person. Can you recall the last time you listened at this level? You forget about yourself and any personal agenda. You are tuned-in, empathetic and engaged. You let go of your own opinions or expectations and are not trying to “help” or figure it out. You don’t get ahead and plan what you will say as soon as there is a lull – we cal that  “listening with your answer running”.  You tend to lean in and make eye contact. You may nod in encouragement or understanding. You are listening for, and hearing, much more than words.

When you listen and really hear another person, you both expand. It extends the best kind of acknowledgment, affirming another’s importance and presence. It creates the space for connection, collaboration, and trust.

Who would you really like to do some Level II listening to? Think of one or two people right now…Commit to using all your Level II skills. When you have listened well, notice what you discovered!

This week I’ve noticed that I am often a Level I listener with God. It’s all about me. If you are a person of faith, try Level II listening in your quiet time. What might happen if you REALLY leaned in and LISTENED?

Family Night by the Box is designed to promote intimacy and listening within families. Tune in to those precious people you live with and watch miracles happen. We are here to help you with complete lessons and activities so you can relax and LISTEN!

Blessings,

Beth and Dr. Ron